France has a clever tourist bureau. They’ve got a great product and know how to market it. One device is the many “routes” that crisscross the country. They highlight a specific attraction in the region and encourage tourists to see them all. There’s the Route du Rome, Route des Bastides, Route de lait, Route du lavatoir, Route du romanesq eglises, and each wine region has their own “Routes du vin.” There’s even Route des poids.
Currently we’re on the Route de Fromage. This being the cheese capitol of the world, you’d think that would cover the entire country. However, this route is specifically for Basque sheep cheese. We are in the foothills of the dreaded Pyrenees. The landscape here is so pretty. It reminds me of New Zealand in The Hobbit or Babe. Green clad, pointy and peaky hills descend quickly to valleys where contented light brown cattle graze. You hear their bells softly clanging in the distance. Farmhouses are dotted here and there and you get the sense that these belong to real farmers and not just city folk’s holiday homes. Plus, you actually see farmers in the fields; very busy now spreading and forking manure on the fields. It’s not agribusiness, it’s farming the way it’s been done for generations. There are also lots of sheep but they’re a different sort than I know. British sheep grows wool like big afros and the whole animal expands in all directions. These Basque sheep have long, lightly crimped hair, neatly parted in the middle like Gwenth Paltrow. I also saw a ram with the curliest corkscrew horns ever. The cheese is mild with a slightly vinegary taste.
Although we don’t slavishly follow any specific Route de du, I do think they’re useful guides for the tourist and an ungimicky marketing tool. It’s something other countries should imitate. To get the ball rolling, I’ve thought of Routes for places I’ve lived and have compiled a little insider guide.
England
Route du Hedgerow Breaks
England is one of the most beautiful countries in the world, particularly when the sun shines. However, it’s treasures are hidden behind hedgerows. Most roads are narrow, walled corridors leading from town to town. The unseen landscape beyond could be swamp, desert or emerald valleys. You don’t know. On this route you’re led to the 5 or 6 places in the UK where there is a gap in the hedgerow. These are the only places in the country you’ll get a good view of the landscape and all you’ve been missing.
Route du Unsuccessful Barn Conversions
This route takes you along misguided attempts to solve the housing crisis and make a few bucks from the shack out back. Cunning use of aerial ramps, sliding plate glass walls and barnacle dormer windows reaffirm that old adage, A barn is a barn and never a house shall be.
Route du Lay-by Chip Caravans
This culinary program tours the dual carriageways of Britain to discover the chip caravans nestled along litter-strewn lay-bys. Catering to travellers unable to drive an extra 10 miles to a decent restaurant, these oasis of the road have saved thousands from starvation. A cheerful hairy man or bleached blond woman will sell you chips and breaded animal entrails cooked in old grease. You eat your meal standing right there by the caravan, pleasantly bathed in gas fumes as the traffic roars past.
Holland
Route du Absurdly-priced and Unnecessary Designer Gadget Stores
This route is for the rhino-headed conspicuous consumptor in all of us. It brings you through all the “best” dutch towns and the opportunity to stock up on silver-plated luggage tags, stainless steel toothbrushes and pneumatic corkscrews. You’ll be sure to take home a worthless but expensive souvenir.
Route du Boring Beaches
This route follows most of Holland’s coastline. You can walk a mile out to sea and not get your knees wet. Great for the little’uns. You’ll be totally packed in by tall people eating cheese sandwiches they brought from home. Smart dress tip: If it’s cloudy, bring a raincoat. If it’s sunny, bring a raincoat.
Nebraska
Route du Corn and Soybeans
This is also known as the Nebraska State Road Map.
Route du Lame Tourist Attractions.
This route is tailored to the Nebraska Family Vacation and perfect for when you don’t know what else to do with the kids. This time-wasting itinerary takes you to the most worthless manufactured attractions in the state. You’ll feel like a real schmuck as you pay 5 bucks to see the World’s Biggest Ball of Twine, Cement Footprints of the Koolaid Man, World’s Smallest Courthouse, German POW Urinal, and the Largest Model Airplane Collection in Nebraska, If you have time, pop down to the The Barbed Wire Museum in Kansas. The town fathers will rub their hands with glee as the tourist dollars pour in. Be sure to take a break in a cafe along the way for the Worlds Weakest Cup of Coffee. Tip for Dad: Don’t forget the hip flask!
Route du Run-down Motels
This itinerary provides the perfect weekend break – or why not take a whole week! You’ll travel along old Highway 2 to a string of the crummiest beat-up mom and pop motels ever left behind when they built the Interstate in the 50s. These are the originals for the Bates Motel you’ve seen in the movies. The roof sags, the shingles flap, the linoleum floors peel, there’s no water pressure and bed bugs are practically guaranteed. The neon vacancy sign is always lit because you can’t believe anybody would stay there. Safety tip: Watch out for men named Norman.
Leave a Reply